So Cosmo, if you have ever heard of this glorified whore manual, is a bible to follow for sex tips and man advice. And I, being the master of awkward encounters, thought maybe I should give the sex masters a chance. After reading, I feel enlightened. I feel like a totally new woman who knows all about sexy sex and things that are about things like that. Or something. And as an enlightened being, sent by the gods of lube and vibrating entities, I thought it would only be the righteous thing to do to share my insight with you.
First off, I would like to tell you that I did not know that men wanted to be talked to while naked. Cosmo has a whole article about what to say to a man when he is naked. They do not specify the time of nakedness, so I just assume that any time applies. So let’s say your man is eating pizza on the couch naked after a long day of whatever he does. You should walk up to him and according to Cosmo say “Hold on, let me memorize every detail for my spank bank.” I for one did not know that men wanted to be invested in a spank bank. Not only that, but I can take this memory of my man sloppily dripping pizza sauce in to his chest fur and use to it attempt to touch myself, feel uncomfortable about it, then end up watching 30 Rock and pretending it never happened.
But I digress, I would definitely suggest holding a conversation with your man while he is naked. I mean, there is nothing not sexy about a one-sided-naked conversation. But my only question is: How the fuck is he supposed to respond to that? Is he supposed to thank you? I would be like “… K… Imma go take a shower and wash this moment off.”
Another jewel from this little guide book is:
Keep Him Out of the Loop
The funny thing about men is that telling them less about your life makes them long for you more.
I ABSOLUTELY agree that men should know less about you. It makes it about 10 times easier for them to treat you like an object, which should always be your ultimate goal. The less you say, the more they can assume things about you like you enjoy red wine instead of white, or that you actually like pretending to be a that Russian dominatrix transvestite and getting man fluids all in your freshly washed hair. But also, there is just no logic in it. If you don’t tell him about yourself, not only will he not know anything (the obvious thing to say), but he also won’t think about you, because he literally has nothing pertaining to you to think about. That was a very convoluted sentence.
Something you may not know, but you should probably store in your memory, right next to the spank bank, is this special message from Cosmo about your man:
He doesn’t always want to finish.
Are you laughing? Because I sure am. That’s like saying that people don’t need air, or that Mel Gibson likes Jews. It’s just unrealistic. I’ll tell you why this is crazy. Do you know what happens when a guy doesn’t finish? Blue balls. If your cooch felt acute pain every time you didn’t get off, I think you would be a bit more determined to finish the race to beat the cock… I mean clock.
So here we are, my dear readers. The final bit of advice I could give you from our savior from men, Cosmo:
While giving your guy oral, alternate putting your lips over his penis and lightly rubbing his shaft with the ice cube.
Though this is an interested approach to givin’ sum head, I have a few qualms with the method. What am I supposed to do when I’m rubbing you with an ice cube? Look at you and pretend to be stoked that I have melting ice in my hand? No. That’s just not on the agenda. Not only that, but I have cold ice in my hands that now smells like your crotch, so I don’t want to eat it AND I’m watching your pride shrink literally in my palms. This sounds awful. If someone came at my vag with an ice cube, I can guarantee two things:
1. A hearty laugh
2. An even more hearty kick to the face
In short, I hope this application letter helps you understand what a good addition to the writing staff of Cosmopolitan I could be. Thank you for your time.
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